SAGE ADVICE

Dear Coyote

Well, I followed the clues you left here on your web site, and I have come to the conclusion that you are the true reincarnation of Jim Morrison - that late great Rock Star - folk hero of the late sixties and early seventies who died in Paris. I am excited to know that his spirit still persists. Do you desire to produce more music?

A Fan - name withheld

There's only one thing wrong with your theory, oh great brainy one: I NEVER DIED! And no, those days are gone. I dig my precious anonymity as well as my sanity. Better to just stick to writing and composing, though every day I want to slide my slick tentacle into southern california mother and do the deed. It's been a hard road not to, but the place is a poison trap. My sane mind actually prefers the loneliness and apparent lifelessness of the desert.

Good sleuthing there, Dweezle. Now what are you going to do?

C. L.

Dear Coyote:

Why did you attack all those bird rookeries on Negit Island when Mono Lake got too low. Don't you know some of those birds are endangered species?

Bill "the squirrel" Jasper, Mono Craters, CA

Hey, it's not my fault the lake got so low. Talk to those guys at the LA county water district. I'm just following my nose. Did you say your name was Bill "the squirrel"? I'd like to meet you at sunset, sometime. C. L.

Dear Coyote:

I am a 45 year-old man just diagnosed with severe heart disease. I may not make it without bypass surgery, but the doctor says if I cut my weight and get on an exercise program I may just get by. What do you suggest for exercise?

Round Ronald, San Jose, CA

First thing you want to do is get your will set up. After that I recommend long walks in the sagebrush at sunset. Off-trail is best. Best of luck, and I hope to see you out there. C.L.

Dear Coyote:

My name is Linda Bellefleur, from Kansas City, and I need your advice. I am pretty good-looking for sixteen, and I am a cheerleader. I just can't stand the boys whistling all the time when I go by. I feel like they are undressing me with their eyes. What can I do to get them to stop? PS here is my picture - please don't publish it.

Hold on there, Linda. Time for a lesson in biology. The reason the boys seem to be undressing you with their eyes is that they are. The male animal is preprogrammed to go after as many females as possible. It's up to the female to be selective. So what these boys are saying is "I want you!" and what you are saying is "I don't want you!" Sounds fairly predictable doesn't it?

Since you went out of your way to tell me you are pretty, that tells me that being pretty is important to you. In the grand scheme of things that really doesn't matter all that much.

Stop the whistling? Get a boyfriend, preferably as large and as manipulatable as possible. He'll shut them up for you. Meanwhile you can get your act together and find out what's really important to you!

Is that your picture??!! Okay, I'll be your boyfriend! . C.L.

Dear Coyote:

Okay, I give up. Why do Nine out of Ten Women Prefer Coyote?

Ralph Nadir - You know where

Well, Hi there Ralph. Good to hear from you! The reason Nine out of Ten Women prefer Coyote is that after Nine Women, COYOTE GETS VERY HUNGRY!

CL

Dear Coyote, what is consciousness?

Friendless, Athens 6763

Gee, for a guy who calls himself friendless, you sure have a lot of mail addresses. Must be wishful thinking.

My guess is you are an "X"er. What are you looking for, a definition? Okay, let me try an example:

Let's say you pick up this woman at a party, and she invites you over to her place late that night. Everything goes well, and you both fall asleep in her bed. It's kind of dark, but who cares. That's not consciousness. You wake up kind of early, and in the early morning light you see nazi posters all over the wall, bricks of plastique all over the floor, and the heads of her previous boyfriends hanging from the ceiling by their hair. And you say to yourself, "I better get the hell out of here before she wakes up!" You leave without stopping to pee, and say a silent prayer that you didn't see an "Aids Awareness" poster.

That's conciousness.

Dear Coyote,

My girlfriend has mental problems. When she's okay, she's great, but when she's ill she behaves like a frightened child. Her illness doesn't bother me, but the consequences, like psychiatrists and drugs, do. We have been together two years, but now I have a job offer in NorthAm, and I don't know if to ask her to come with me or split up. When she's ill she is a burden, and I'm going to have a small salary. Does love conquer all, or not?

John Skywalker

Dear John, (Oh No! Here comes the big letdown!)

What is love? My definition for the sake of argument would be an affection that is all consuming. So by definition it conquers all, and by definition, you're not in it! My suggestion is, come to NA by yourself. (Hell, you may not even like it here.) After a year or so, you are well established, got medical insurance, etc. If you still feel like having her here by your side, get her up here and marry her. Your insurance should cover her at that point, and it's less of an issue than you thought. If you don't want her along, it was probably better that way. My suspicion is, though, that you haven't even told her about it because you are afraid one of you will blow it right then and there. I'm here to tell you Johnny, it ain't that bad! Use the force! It's inside you.

Look me up when you both get here. I'm fond of the emotionally distraught.

Coyote

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